I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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