You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
