Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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