no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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