Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
