listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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