Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
