I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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