After last night, I could never be a politician.
please come you make the beer taste better
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
