yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
