you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
