After last night, I could never be a politician.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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