will power is for people who don't want to get laid
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
should my penis look like a turkey
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
