I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
