Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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