i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
