I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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