I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
