I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
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