oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Need sex. Gaining weight.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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