The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
