I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
