it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
