every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
