I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
