why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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