Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
