I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
