Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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