You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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