He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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