i permit you to call me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
