Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize