The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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