Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
