You made me cry and you don't even care
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
