Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
