i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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