she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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