My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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