I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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