My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
