textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
