This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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