Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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