I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
