i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
