I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
