I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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