ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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