Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
