my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he fucked my hip out of place.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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