I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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