I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
