he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
