Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
