Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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