then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
