dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
God I need to hump something, right now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
